Gym mein bheja fry!

English: "Driven to nuts in the gym"

I quite enjoy translating such idioms from Hindi to English and vice-versa for two reasons.
1) I enjoy being able to. It gives me immense relief to know that I am proficient in atleast two languages.
2) It always amazes me that even though word for word, the meanings are so different, still analogues always exist.
If you know of a better translation (either way), please enlighten me.

This post, however, is not about random linguistic facts. This post is a true story of how a poor soul, whose only intention was to exercise honestly in the gym for an hour or so, was bothered, nay tormented by a crackpot in the true sense of the word.

It so occured that I was jogging on the treadmill, panting and heaving, huffing and puffing, and trying to complete my daily target. In came the defending champion and three times runner up of Grasim Mr. India contest (or so it seemed from the airs he had, not from his physique, mind you). Unfortunately the treadmill next to me was unoccupied and he happily jumped on to it (literally). Now, it would not have been such a tragedy had he been a harmless stranger. That was not to be. The clown was an acquaintance of mine. He smiled at me and I returned it in good measure, quite unaware of the fact that that particular gentelman was not going to let me have any peace for the next hour or so.

Within half a minute of ascending the treadmill, this bufoon sped up to an unmaintainable speed. Now I had been jogging for about 25 minutes and hence was merely trundling forth at a speed which can neither be called walking nor running. It was then that the bird brain blurted - "Yaar...huff..puff..if you run so slowly then whats the use?". More huffs and puffs followed alongwith a sudden decrease in speed. I was surprised by such an attack on my method of exercising and naturally tried to defend myself - "I have to run for longer, so naturally I will have to be slower". The master of unintelligent repartee was ready - "You should not run for so long. 8 - 10 minutes is sufficient. Otherwise all the energy will be sapped and you will not be left with any for other work outs." Now it so happened that I was following instructions from the trainer while he was quite obviously self taught. I merely nodded and faced the other way.

By the by, I went on to the next exercise - "Push ups". I have only recently started doing this exercise and am far from proficient at it. I donot however, like being reminded of the fact with every single descent of my expansive derierre. And ofcourse, this was exactly what Superman thought I needed to hear. "Yaar chest should touch the floor tangentially", "yaar your hands are too far apart", "try sitting on your knees and doing it for some days" and who knows what else. After some time I gave up and asked him to give a demonstration. This request did not elicit the enthusiastic response that I was expecting but a pitiful - "Arrey I have come to the gym after many days, let me get into shape and I will show you in a few days...hehehehe".

I was just standing and getting a breather before the next exercise when a strikingly beautiful maiden happened to grace the gym with her illuminating presence. What bussiness she had in the abode of ugly misshapen humans, I could not fathom and nor was I allowed to ruminate on this subject for long. A sound for which my ears had started forming a distinct hatred by now fell upon their drums and I was woken up from my reverie by who else - Sunny Deol fan no. 1.
"You should start doing weights!" he spoke with gusto. "Huh?", was my passionless reply. It did not dampen his spirits in the least. "Weights!", he lifted his left arm and displayed a dumbbell. I laughed in my heart, no wonder he liked a dumbbell. "No thanks...", I muttered and went on for some abs exercises. He was adamant. Sitting beside me in a kneeling position while I went back and forth, exhaling air from my lungs with my hands behind my back, he carried on, unmindful of my utter disregard for his suggestions. "Arrey all these are foolish totkaas. Whats the big deal in becoming thin? Just don't eat for a month or so. Real exercise is pumping iron". "Yeah, I will think about it once I lose some of my body fat", I said a bit irritatedly. His eyes lit up. "Lets start from today itself."

I was on the point of shouting "What have I done dude? Why are you so hell bent on trying out all your ideas on me?". But as you might know, the polite soul that I am, I gave in and followed him. Soon I realized what his idea of "doing weights" together was. He lay down on a bench and asked me to hand him the barbell which was supported by a rod directly above his head. Then he would go on to lift it 3-4 times before turning a deep shade of blue and frantically signalling me to help him place the barbell back on the support rod. This I enjoyed thourougly for a few minutes. :)

Then seeing that there was no chance of getting in even a couple of sets of any exercise, I decided to get the hell out of there. To this he said, "What leaving already? Abhi to warmup shuru hua hai!". "Yeah, sorry got some work to do yaar", I half shouted as I almost ran out of the gym. He followed me to the door and shouted back, "Ok see you same time tomorrow hehehe"

And now I'll have to change my gym timings. What rotten luck I say.